i love my hobbies. i never engage with them
thats a nice, succinct title right?
thought about the title for 5 minutes and i stuck with that. other great titles include “let’s get active”, “quality vs quantity”, “i love to think about my hobbies but not ever engage with them” and other random strings of words that i gave up on before almost not even writing this post. i think ive danced with this concept of being satisfied with thinking about things i would rather be doing than being at work but then never doing at home; but ive gotten so disatisfied with myself for wasting weekends away to youtube and or X the everything app or sleeping for longer than id like. i’m honestly not sure where this post is gonna go in a couple of paragraphs, since i have multiple ideas in my head of what to write, and they’re all kinda interconnected, but at the same time so far apart. even writing these few sentences, i don’t know what’s happened to my writing style as a result of not writing for a long time (oops lol) and also having read a portion of subahibi1 and the entirety of umineko2. reading a particular style of writing for 160 hours mightve done something but whoooo knows.
this past year (technically, i only picked up piano again for real at the start of may) ive picked up a couple of hobbies; revisiting piano and reading vns. (Visual Novels) i think having something that doesn’t involve a screen has actually helped a bit. i don’t feel like such a freaking chud staring at screens for 14 hours a day when i can put in some good time into playing music that i enjoy a lot. i recently bought the katawa shoujo piano collections3 that released last year and its been such a treat to have this new body of work to learn and progress in. i’m still omega giga fucking washed but having an offical piano book for a vn’s music that i dearly love is a great motivator to at least put a little time into every day. visual novels on the other hand are something ive always respected but never really read more than like two or three profilic ones, those being Katawa Shoujo, VA-11 HALL-A, and Doki Doki Literature Club. however my spontateous choice to start reading umineko during my family visit last year might’ve actually changed my life trajectory a little bit.. i won’t lie. subahibi at my current spot is also currently changing my life but in a particularly different way WHICH I WON’T SAY but theres a reason why this medium gets the respect it deserves, even if like 80% of them have porn/are porn/are literally unreadable without the porn. W MEDIUM. i think also just reading at all is a good feeling to me; i havent read/watched much media so finally getting around to some life-changing shit is nice to do. my speedrunning/gaming days aren’t over (i’m peaking at osu right now) but having these other hobbies feel pretty good to me.
double sided vinyl, great quality, book has nice sheets and some illustrations from a long time fanartist (rtil)
the problem is that half the time i’m sitting at home i don’t want to do these hobbies. what! after a nice long day of work, why don’t i just gravitate towards the things i supposedly love to do? most days i’m ready for the piano or i’m ready for the reading. after that passes, i just get mad tired or tell myself, “ehhh… i already did so much today.. let’s shove that to tomorrow champ!” like sure, it was great that i worked on my pieces for an hour, or that i got a solid 3 hours of reading in, but i feel like i’m just so.. i don’t even know how to describe it. lazy? CHUD? just plain tired? i would just really love to cut the fat out from how i spend my free time (reddit/youtube) and always feel like i’m ready to do the things that i want to do. i want to do those things, right? from those hobbies i mentioned, i didn’t list drawing or osu mapping or even writing. those hobbies have been long still gone since i tell myself i only have enough “"”creative energy””” for piano at the moment. what the hell does that even mean lol. of course maybe i’m just being too mean to myself and that i should take baby steps towards trying to integrate other lost hobbies back into my life. but maybe ive fallen again to the mindset of productivity = good and no productivity = terrible. thinking about my hobbies that i do for fun as productivity.. it might be over already!!
i honestly don’t know what spurred me to write this post. actually that’s a lie. i was chudding about on my couch while waiting for food to heat up, watching youtube, thinking about piano but being like ehhh…… nahhhh get the fuck up and play some piano. let’s fucking get active. this post is also hanging on for dear life since i almost backspaced the second attempt at starting this paragraph (the first one was about my attention span). i think i just wanted to air my grievances with how i approach my hobbies. no clue if we’ll have a solution, but - actually i just thought of a solution. let’s just not care about the output but only the process (ACTUALY IMPOSSIBLE CHALLENGE). i kinda forgot i named this file “quality-or-quantity.markdown” and then forgot about the main point of the post and just started writing some type shit. shoutouts ruby for inspiring me.
ive been writing this post without a real resolution (until i figured it out right now!), just as a way to have my thoughts together. my final answer is that i gaslight myself into thinking i’m super tired after a single activity. now, this could be true for many things and i think i am sadly quite mean to myself whenever i do feel tired (“why tired? you didnt run 5 miles or gym.”), but maybe with some small steps i can try to change this up. ive been juggling hobbies for the past 6 years, its about time i try to hone in on this. if nothing, i at least published something this year. isn’t that at least something?
i don’t think i’ve ever written in this way before, since pretty much all of my posts (besides the streams of consciousness) have some sort of main idea. this post techincally has one well, but as of writing this i feel ive been all over the place lol (i feel like ive looped/repeated a lot aswell, sorry!). shoutouts ruby for inspiring this one